“…the goose pimples of rejection run up and down your spine.” –
Alexander Solzhenitsyn [1]
I have failed – and have
spent the last two months licking my wounds.
I entered the 2015
Comrades Marathon, run on 31 May. This is an annual 90km road race between
Durban and Pietermaritzburg that has to be completed inside of 12 hours. I last
ran it ten years ago – my 12th run - and upon finishing it I said I would never
again run it. But this year was the 90th
edition of the race, and the whisper of the challenge saw me entering the race
again. I worked hard, running 1200km of training between January and May. I ran
two marathons, and three ultra-marathons and when race day came I felt that I
was ready to prove my mettle. I set off at sunrise along with approximately 17000
other runners as we wound our way from Durban to Pietermaritzburg. And this uphill
run became a mental ‘uphill’ for me – because I had a bad day and every step
became an effort. I found myself running with the 12 hour ‘bus’ of Vlam
Pieterse, which carried me to the halfway mark. However, when they pulled away
from me on the Inchanga hill I knew that it was all over. I dejectedly walked
all the way up this painful hill, found some momentum on Harrison Flats, but was
pulled off the road at the Umlaas Road cutoff – 57km completed but 30km short
of the finish. I felt relieved and deeply disappointed. I had struggled all the
way and was glad to stop, but had never before had I failed to finish this race
– in fact any race. I had worked so
hard at preparing for this race, and I felt the crushing weight of failure.
This has given me an
opportunity to reflect on how I feel about failure.
Let me begin by
saying it as it is: I do not like
failing! Since I was a child I have been acutely aware of the feelings
associated with failure: shame, embarrassment, humiliation and inferiority –
what Solzhenitsyn has so evocatively described as that moment when “…the
goose pimples of rejection run up and down your spine.” The
reason I know this so intimately is because these feelings have often visited
me: I was a reserved child who hung back and hoped that someone else would be
asked to speak/play/run/shine, just in case I failed to do it well. To make
matters worse, I did not attend schools big enough to have many winning teams. I
played rugby for the teams that got beaten by other schools, and got thrashed
by the tennis teams of the bigger schools.
I have found two
conflicting reactions to attempting anything that has a prospect of failure:
the one choice is to avoid doing anything that might cause me to fail. However,
in contrast, maturity has produced a stubborn streak in me that whispered “try
it” when a challenge was presented. It is not that I lost my aversion to failure,
but rather the greater debilitation of the knowledge that I did not try, has
motivated me to face my fears. So when I did my compulsory military service I volunteered
to do the Physical Training Instructor’s course, precisely because it was tough
and I feared it. When my friend Alan began postgraduate studies I again heard
the aggravating whisper of the difficult endeavour and enrolled for further
study. And when a friend mentioned that he was running the Comrades Marathon, I
knew that I would have to do it – in order to pacify that internal challenge. To
my amazement I discovered that I could rise to these challenges. Truth be told,
I have generally succeeded beyond what I deserved or believed myself capable of.
This is not to say
that I have never failed. I failed my Biblical Hebrew exams – twice! Which
means that I graduated from seminary two years after my class. I have lost many
league tennis matches, and come at the back of many road running events. A big
one was when I applied for a position that I really, really wanted – and was
turned down. I have learned that the fear of failure does not go away. It sits
out there as a beacon that mocks me, entices me, and sometimes seduces me. Which
brings me to my most recent failure.
It has taken me some
time to recover. My running shoes mostly collect dust in the corner. I have
been back on the road – but now have niggling injuries. It is therefore easier
to stay in bed in the morning. I have just seen that the theme
for the 2016 Comrades Marathon is IZOKUTHOBA - IT WILL HUMBLE YOU.
Ironically I was
humbled this year! So do I put my hand up to be humbled again next year? Right
now I do not have an answer for this question. It is in this space that I hear the echo of Winston Churchill’s
observation that "Success is not
final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." This reminder of the impermanence of both success
and failure challenges me to embrace my journey through life as an adventure,
rather than a competition. It is this that is drawing me out of my self-imposed
hibernation. It is this that now enables me to think of trying new things. So
here is my resolve:
·
I will
continue to choose to live a curious life, something that might lead me to attempt
difficult things.
·
I
will continue to risk the possibility of failure by trying things that frighten
me or stretch me beyond my current experience.
·
I
will continue to embrace the opportunity to learn new things – even if it mean falling
flat on my face and learning how to get back onto my feet.
Throughout my struggle with the vicissitudes of success and failure I have treasured the encouragement of Alexander Solzhenitsyn. He is a man whose writings and life embodies the courage to rise above the rejections of life:
"Live with a steady superiority
over life ...
don't be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness: it is, after all, the same: the bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing.
It is enough if you don't freeze in the cold and if thirst and hunger don't claw at your insides. If your back isn't broken, if your feet can walk, if both arms can bend, if both eyes can see, if both ears hear, then whom should you envy? And why?
Our envy of others devours us most of all. Rub your eyes and purify your heart - and prize above all else in the world those who love you and who wish you well. Do not hurt them or scold them, and never part from any of them in anger; after all, you simply do not know: it might be your last act ... "
- Alexander Solzhenitsyn: “From Island to Island” The Gulag Archipelago
don't be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness: it is, after all, the same: the bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing.
It is enough if you don't freeze in the cold and if thirst and hunger don't claw at your insides. If your back isn't broken, if your feet can walk, if both arms can bend, if both eyes can see, if both ears hear, then whom should you envy? And why?
Our envy of others devours us most of all. Rub your eyes and purify your heart - and prize above all else in the world those who love you and who wish you well. Do not hurt them or scold them, and never part from any of them in anger; after all, you simply do not know: it might be your last act ... "
- Alexander Solzhenitsyn: “From Island to Island” The Gulag Archipelago
